Chocolate Pie for Dictators Tea Party
Chocolate pie for Dictators’ Tea Party


Memo to Donald J. Trump

Re: Suggestions for a Tea Party

As long as you are inviting Dictator Vladimir Putin to visit the United States, why don’t you have a jolly tea party and invite other dictators to attend. You could invite Kim Jong-un of North Korea who could hold forth with a talk about his nuclear weapons program. Pierre Nkurunziza of Burundi could describe how he managed to brutally suppress opposition so he can rule until 2034. (Trump, you would like some ideas about how to do that.) Syria’s dictator, Bashar al-Assad, could talk about his country’s civil war and perhaps make excuses for the hundreds of thousands of civilian deaths. (Other dictators would find those excuses useful.)

There’s that guy Recep Tayyip Erdoğan who has suppressed opposition by closing universities and firing civil servants. (With him at the tea party, you could then brag about how you fire civil servants or force them to leave their jobs.)

You should invite Nicolás Maduro of Venezuela so you can ask him why many Venezuelans seek refuge in the United States—not that you’d give a damn. And nearby is Rodrigo Duterte, dictator of the Philippines. You’ve already congratulated him on his “unbelievable job on the drug problem.” Duterte and his administration have killed thousands of suspected drug dealers and users. Human rights be damned. Unbelievable indeed! You shouldn’t forget Raul Castro, dictator of Cuba, who is practically next door. Cuban immigrants in the United States would probably stage a protest, but that would give you a chance to harangue against legal immigrants whom you appear to hate, unless they look like you.

If you can get past your racism, perhaps you could invite some African dictators like Paul Kagame who has made many efforts to shut down independent newspapers and radio stations. He could explain how he is developing government sponsored media—sort of like you would like to do or are doing via Fox “News.” The dictators of Equatorial Guinea, Swaziland and the Democratic Republic of Congo should not be forgotten, although Guinea’s dictator Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo has been accused of cannibalism—eating parts of his dead victims in order to demonstrate his power. However, execrable—unequivocally detestable—deeds like that may not agree with you. Cannibalism is not a good substitute for cheese burgers.

That reminds me. What kind of food would you serve at a dictator tea party? I suggest chocolate cream pie such as the African-American women in The Help movie made for their snooty employers. Bon Appétit!


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